Get and Choose

We usually use the words “have to” and “should” in our self-talk, especially when we are being critical of our actions and behaviours. In NVC language, such terms puts us in a victim mindset as they imply that we have no choice over our situation. It is as if they are imposed on us by others, although our intention is to take measures that improve our long-term well-being.

Consider the example of eating a chocolate bar. We tell ourselves "I shouldn’t eat this chocolate.” for the sake of our health in the long-term. How does that sound like when you hear such a statement? How do you feel?

Now consider shifting this statement to “I get to eat this chocolate.” or “I choose not to eat this chocolate.” How does that feel now? More inviting perhaps.

By shifting from have-to and should to get to and choose to, it enables a shift to a more agent mindset. In other words, it gives us choice and control over our actions. Everything is an invitation, the choice is up to us whether to take it or not.

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I often use the following prompts in my journaling practice where I list down habits and behaviours:

• I choose to [Behaviour] because

  • it meets my needs of … (NVC framing)

• I choose not to [Behaviour] because

  • it meets my needs of … (NVC framing)