Premise over Person

A mindset shift I often use when I’m engaging with people whose values do not match with mine. Or just people whose presence makes you want to take more deep, conscious breaths (actually hyperventilate) than usual.

For me, it’s hard to cultivate active listening when in conversation with such people. And as a result, even if their intention this time is genuine, even if what they say it’s true; our own psychological triggers prevent us from taking in what they say.

Focusing on premise over person reminds us that we have the choice not to let our triggers associated with the person’s character or behaviour to cloud our judgements. Letting such triggers overwhelm us in this way hinders our opportunities to learn, especially receiving nuggets of wisdom from people we don’t like or don’t agree with.

It involves a shift of focus towards the premise of what is being said instead of the person who says it. So when someone you know who is a drinker says, “You should drink less alcohol, it’s good for your health.”, catch the moment before you start to think about their behaviour and gently move your attention towards the premise.

Based on the above scenario, the statement alone is indeed valuable regardless who says it. What they’re saying, despite how much you disagree with their values and behaviour, is indeed sound. We may even start to think that they actually have genuine concern for our wellbeing. At least at that moment of time and maybe perhaps it’s just the way that they express it triggers us unpleasantly. We may even feel sympathetic towards them, for not being able to cultivate those habits despite knowing deep down that what they're doing is harmful for their long-term wellbeing. And sympathy is the gateway towards compassion.

This practice requires some self-awareness. The main cue to activate this shift is to notice the moment you feel emotionally triggered during the conversation.